Seven Ways to Pass the GED

Ashamed that you never received your high school diploma? You should be failure. Luckily, you can take the GED an exam that, should you pass, grants you the equivalency of a high school diploma. Recalling the horrible memory of that 200 on your SATs already? That's why The People's Perception is here to help you pass the Communist Way™.

It was the beginning of another lovely spring morning, filling even the most corrupted of souls with bright optimism. Beautiful sunlight filtered through the leaves into the living room enlightening a majestic glow, nothing seemed far from reach...except passing that GED.

Fail high school? Received a low GPA? No college would accept you? There’s nothing to worry about! Just take the GED (General Educational Development Testing Service) and you’re all set to go.

Did you know that those who obtain scores high enough to earn a GED credential outperform at least 40 percent of today’s high school seniors? Were you ever aware of the fact that more than 95 percent of U.S. employers consider GED graduates the same as traditional high school graduates concerning hiring, salary, and opportunity for advancement? This mean, that should I pass the GED, I too can get a job at the supermarket…well, only 95 percent of the supermarkets.

If you do decide to take the GED here are seven great tips to help you pass, follow them and soon, you too will be on your way to a brighter future.

Study, this seems somewhat obvious, but it’s natural for people to doze off. So here’s the plan, hire a guy to hold a loaded pistol to your head, if you close your eyes he shoots you, the noise is guaranteed to wake you up.

Take out your old tests from your high school days and review them. What the hell, bring them along into the test hall, this way you will know that you failed the GED not because you were nervous, but because you were stupid.

Bring along a lucky item, charms usually brings confidence to its holder, however, since they obviously didn’t help you in high school just cut the crap and follow step one.

Take a few extra dollars with you, often, when your score is just below a pass it becomes necessary to bribe the instructor, if you look hard enough you’re bound to find $10 lying somewhere from that cashier job…oh wait, no you won’t that job requires a high school diploma!

Try to relax, remember it’s no big deal if you fail, by now you should be used to it.
If you don’t know an answer on a test, skip over it and do the easy problems first, actually, for you that would probably mean skipping over the entire test.
As a final resort, if you are unsure of the answer, just guess, keep in mind that the scantron machine is not as dumb as you are and will fail you once it realizes you decided to fill in every hole.

Still worried that you’ll be the only moron taking the test? Surprise! More than 860,000 adults worldwide take the GED Tests each year, which means that I’m better than 860,000 people…that makes me feel so good about myself.

The next step for GED graduates.

Most Shameful Projects of the Year Award

This week I attended a local science fair as one of the judges, however I found the projects so wonderful that I decided to hand out my own award, the "Most Shameful Project of the Year."

As one of the judges, my original intent was to go, compliment the projects, and take a few pictures for a column I was working on in the local paper. However, the paper went to press a bit earlier than I had anticipated. Looking back at the photos, I find that a few of the projects were done exceptionally well, but the rest just makes me glad that their parents will never have to be publicly humiliated on what a horrendous job their children did. If these kids want to give their moms something special for Mother's Day tomorrow, they should consider checking into a foster home.

My problem now is what to do with these pictures, the solution of course, was to have my own science fair competition, but instead of commending the best projects, The People’s Perception is pleased to present the “Most Shameful Projects of the Year."

First up are two crappy projects hand selected by my two fellow judges who didn't want anyone to feel that their project did not deserve the title garbage, they would like to tell these kids that they should not be allowed in the sun because their crappiness might be contagious.



By Jordan O'Reilly - 7th Grade
What the hell are bubles? The only thing more atrocious than your spelling is your is your project.

By Khadeeja Owusu-Achampong - 8th Grade
I sure hope that display board is refundable because you're not going to win with that piece of shit.

Next up are my choices for Honorable Mentions:

By Aaron Steinsaver - 6th Grade
Battle of the Battery, the title is already grammatically incorrect. The project tested whether a flashlight worked better with hot or cold batteries. Aaron had the ingenious idea to freeze and boil batteries. He then proceeded to stick them into two flashlights to see which one would run out of power first. It gets an honorable mention only because this was the stupidest idea I have ever heard. I was supposed to judge this project, but the kid didn't even bother to show up, hopefully he died from battery poisoning because little bastards who create shit like this do not have a right to live.

By Chimsomasa Ozuzu - 7th Grade
There was no reason to expect anything interesting from this girl, good genetics probably don't run in the family. However, the fact that the parents didn't even bother attempting to conceal the fact that they used a password generator to name their child is just wrong. Why title your project "The Sound of Music," when it is so obvious that this project represents "The Sound of Suck."

By Chris Agosto and Oshane Paige - 6th Grade
Coming in at third place is Atmospheric Hydrolysis, a title that the kid probably made up on the spot since I could not find it on the board. Now this sounded very sophisticated until I realized halfway through that he had absolutely no idea what hydrolysis meant, the entire project was on proving that humans can survive without an atmosphere. The colored tissue paper on the box to the right was supposed to act as an atmosphere, which he used to "filter" out the sunlight. Idiot, you just filtered out most of the nutrition plants need to go through photosynthesis, which is why the plants in that other shitty box without an “atmosphere” actually grew taller.

By Sidney Uppal - 8th Grade
Number 2 is Hovering Heaven. What exactly makes it a Hovering Heaven? Did you think that big floating toilet seat on the floor was going keep me from failing it? Wrong!

By Robbie Reid - 7th Grade
Finally, we have our top choice of shame. There were some terrible projects so far but nothing compares to this, if there was any content on this to begin with the kid must have been too poor to afford a glue stick. My fellow judge is seen here saluting this complete waste of paper, he hopes the kid gets shot. Nice job ruining society with this embarrassment kid. "Tasty?" only if you enjoy the taste of humiliation.

It pains me slightly to know that you kids are such fucking retards, for my seventh grade science fair project I discovered and proved Newton's Universal Law of Gravitation. Why can't you cretins do the same?

Congratulations to all winners of my competition. Aside from an official certificate certifying your achievement as fools, each of you will also receive a meter's worth of string (because you were not good enough for rope) in the mail. Put it to some good use and choke yourself with it, there is no room in the world for failures like you.

Foster Children Have No Futures

Thursday, March 18, 2004, The New York Times ran an article entitled "Youths Leaving Foster Care are Found Facing Obstacles," unfortunately some mistakes got pass the printer, don't worry, we are always here to help out!

On Thursday, March 18, 2004, The New York Times published an article entitled "Youths Leaving Foster Care are Found Facing Obstacles," this is the outline of what Monica Davey, the writer of this column, had to report (You find the full article here or at the New York Time's website).

A study, tracking 732 youths commissioned by the three Midwestern states for $1.2 million has found the following:

1. 17-year-olds in the Midwest are lagging behind in school


2. Running into trouble with the law


3. Struggling with psychological problems.


4. Virtually all of the 17-year-olds were held back a grade.


5. Twice as likely to have been suspended from school.


6. More than half arrested.


7. More than a third had spent a night at a correctional facility.


8. One-fifth reported convicted of a crime.


9. Nonetheless, the study says that about 90 percent of those surveyed said they were optimistic about the future.

For about $3 worth of bus fare I could've saved these morons $1.2 million. Do we really need a survey wasting, trees, water, energy, lead, and time just to find out that foster children are more stupid than that old neighbour of mine who claims that his dead dog, decomposing outside his yard for the last year, is only "sleeping?" What else can you expect from stupid little bastards who lives with nuns and other stupid little bastards all their lives? The only fact that surprised me was the last who would've guessed that foster children would be so excited about their futures? Why stick in a line in reassuring everyone that 90% of the foster children are optimistic about the future? This is so great! These uneducated probably at some point incarcerated children are optimistic about their future!

Now, I'm not exactly sure if the gullible citizens out there today, stupid enough to categorize obesity as a disease, realize that these foster kids have no future. I wonder if anyone truly understands that most of them won't get into college, most of them won't get a job, most of them will be the people who, ten years from now will mug you on a dark ally. How's prostitution sound? Who knows? Maybe someday one of them will become pregnant, gods forbid, and...oh look! Out comes another foster child, don't worry; I'm sure it'll be optimistic about its future as well.

I wonder if they'll still be optimistic about the future once they become janitors at their local high schools, or flipping burgers at McDonalds, perhaps yelling "Price-Check!" at the drug store, but hey, work hard enough, someday you just might become Head Janitor of McDonalds how's that for optimism.

What the hell did they accomplish with this $1.2 million survey anyway? Why not just spilt that $1.2 million, you can provide the same 732 youths with $1639.34 each. They might appreciate that more than the day they turn 21 when they come home at 11:00pm to find another survey waiting for them, but it shouldn't take too long to fill out, all they really have to do is send that same blank sheet back.

A doctor...one of the many professions foster children will never become