The Worst Show on Television

I use to wake up on Saturday mornings at 5am to catch two reruns of Scooby-Doo on Canada’s Teletoon, and then flip over to Y-TV to join Bugs Bunny on his always-exhilarating adventures. Years later, I would tune into Seinfeld, and Frasier on NBC, then the Simpsons, and my personal favorite, Family Guy on Fox. Someone should sentence to life to whoever canceled Family Guy for two years because it got lower ratings than Survivor. Hey! I got a great idea for the next Survivor Series its call “Survivor AIDS,” how it works is, we have all the contestants contract AIDS and see who survives!

Of course, with the good comes the bad. I don’t mean bad as in “this show is shit,” I mean bad as in “I’d rather suffocate in shit then watch another second of this show.” The “show” I’m referring to is of course, Dennis Miller.

For those who don’t know, Miller is a very retarded far right ringer. That alone is nothing too bad, the fact that he’s not funny, has zero talent, and is greatly despised even by the homeless man I gave $0.25 last week to let me quote how much he hates Dennis Miller. "I hate Dennis Miller," says a homeless guy.

On a recent Tonight Show appearance in June, Dennis Miller said the following, “You can use a credit card at McDonalds now. Yeah, because what fun is being morbidly obese if you're not bankrupt too.” Yes, very clever, Americans must blame McDonald’s dollar menu for making them bankrupt, good job dumbshit. Didn’t like that one well this is guaranteed to make you jump off a building laughing, “John Kerry had arthroscopic surgery. Evidently, he had some repetitive stress injury. I think it was from all those years of changing his vote in the Senate.”

Here’s a quick quiz, the question is “Does Dennis Suck?” These are the choices: Yes.

Miller’s latest show on CNBC, with the uncreative title “Dennis Miller,” begins with him pretending to be a news anchor, while making “witty” comments. For example, "15,000 people auditioned for the new American Idol, wow, 15,000 maybe I can sing too (pause) no I can't (pause) its times like this that makes me happy I have that brain thinking, (no one laughs), maybe I should have had my brain thinking and not tell that joke (dead silence)." I find laundry spinning in a dryer more entertaining than that Miller's humor. I suppose we should applause him for saying anything at all, this is the man who once told an off joke then decided it would be hilarious to leave his seat for five minutes! I’ll just assume that it’s supposed to be hilarious and that all ten people in his audience are dunces for not laughing. Is the news just more funny than his commentary? I'd have laughed if he had said, 15,000 people auditioned for the latest American Idol, maybe with 15,000 people offline, I can finally get better download speeds on my lesbian porn...it's funny because its true.

Which brings me to another point, the best late night shows such as The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, or Late Night with Conan O'Brien have hundreds of people in their audience who genuinely express their enjoyment through laughter, others like Letterman at least keep their applause signs working. However, they never have the common courtesy to thank the audience every time they applause like Dennis does? They would have to do so a couple hundred more times than Dennis each night, but you never know if you don't try.

I enjoy Dennis Miller for the monkey on his show, which he dresses in a diaper and throw rocks at the entire show to piss it off, where the hell is PETA when you need them? PETA should stop bitching over the quality of pot rats are smoking in labs and get that poor monkey off the stage. I would rather be a human gunnie pig testing makeup for ugly people, who should stop kidding themselves, than be anywhere near Dennis Miller and his mix of racist, sexist, over the top conservative act. Plus I don't like having rocks thrown at me.

Here are my suggestions to Dennis Miller

1. Stop using beginning your sentences with "Now I don't mean to get off on a rant here." - You're getting off on a rant we know that, so either shut up or finish it so everyone can go home and agree with me on how much you suck.


2. Commit suicide - Seriously, your ratings will go through the roof once people realize that your pathetic show has been replaced with The People's Perception with The Commie.

Now I don’t mean to get off on a rant here, but Dennis Miller should stop being a whore, of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Notice: 07-16-2005: As of May 2005, CNBC cancelled Dennis Miller. Sucker.

The True Spirit of Sport

On August 13, the Olympic flames will ignite in the city of Athens uniting the world under one banner. However, there are always those brain-dead little assholes intent on screwing with the well-being of the rest of us.

With five days left until the gathering of the best athletes in the world, we still hear bastards complaining about the ineffectiveness of drug testing. Of course, there are also those who believe that there shouldn’t be any drug testing at all. So once again, I must call upon my great array of wisdom to solve this problem. Here’s my solution, there will no longer be drug testing at any Olympic event, all athletes must now take steroids on a daily basis. This is great idea eliminates the need for drug testing while enhancing the competition, it’s like killing two birds with one stone, and since the plan is fool proof, you don’t need to worry about the birds crapping on you in case you miss.

With all the terrific sports in the Olympics, there are some that are slightly questionable, I’m referring of course, to fencing. Fencing is just a pansy’s excuse for not participating in sword fights like normal people, it a synonym for bullshit, how dare you slash at me with your dull tinfoil stick? Well I guess I’ll just have to slap you back with my bootleg pirate stick. My fishing rod can do more damage than that one swipe from it, and you’ll have a fucking hook in your mouth to deal with.

With the gathering of millions of folks from almost every nation in the world, security will be tight to prevent terror threats. If the Olympics would be a little more embracing to our extremist friends in the Middle East, everyone will have a good time. Since fencing is obviously for retards, we should replace it with Tinfoil vs. Sword. The idea is we have terrorists and fencers go in an all out battle, fencers are allowed one free strike at the terrorists with their rapier, then the terrorists get to hit the fencers with a sword. If the terrorist dies, it proves that fencing is dangerous and shouldn’t be an Olympic sport, if the fencer dies it proves that fencers are pathetic so there won’t be any fencers left to participate. Either way, we all win…except the fencers they get their asses kicked...And you might want to shoot the terrorists too while you're at it....before they blow up...or molest our children.

There are also “countries” in the Olympics that shouldn’t be in it, mainly Taiwan. Taiwan’s not a country based on the reasoning that a country must have at least one person who isn’t inbred, I’ve never seen a place more inbred, even their language is inbred. Speaking one of the hundreds of local Chinese dialects with a fake accent and calling it Taiwanese is the same as being shit.

The image is bigger than usual to give the illusion that this article is longer than it really is.