This week I attended a local science fair as one of the judges, however I found the projects so wonderful that I decided to hand out my own award, the "Most Shameful Project of the Year."
As one of the judges, my original intent was to go, compliment the projects, and take a few pictures for a column I was working on in the local paper. However, the paper went to press a bit earlier than I had anticipated. Looking back at the photos, I find that a few of the projects were done exceptionally well, but the rest just makes me glad that their parents will never have to be publicly humiliated on what a horrendous job their children did. If these kids want to give their moms something special for Mother's Day tomorrow, they should consider checking into a foster home.
My problem now is what to do with these pictures, the solution of course, was to have my own science fair competition, but instead of commending the best projects, The People’s Perception is pleased to present the “Most Shameful Projects of the Year."
First up are two crappy projects hand selected by my two fellow judges who didn't want anyone to feel that their project did not deserve the title garbage, they would like to tell these kids that they should not be allowed in the sun because their crappiness might be contagious.
By Jordan O'Reilly - 7th Grade
What the hell are bubles? The only thing more atrocious than your spelling is your is your project.
I sure hope that display board is refundable because you're not going to win with that piece of shit.
Battle of the Battery, the title is already grammatically incorrect. The project tested whether a flashlight worked better with hot or cold batteries. Aaron had the ingenious idea to freeze and boil batteries. He then proceeded to stick them into two flashlights to see which one would run out of power first. It gets an honorable mention only because this was the stupidest idea I have ever heard. I was supposed to judge this project, but the kid didn't even bother to show up, hopefully he died from battery poisoning because little bastards who create shit like this do not have a right to live.
There was no reason to expect anything interesting from this girl, good genetics probably don't run in the family. However, the fact that the parents didn't even bother attempting to conceal the fact that they used a password generator to name their child is just wrong. Why title your project "The Sound of Music," when it is so obvious that this project represents "The Sound of Suck."
Coming in at third place is Atmospheric Hydrolysis, a title that the kid probably made up on the spot since I could not find it on the board. Now this sounded very sophisticated until I realized halfway through that he had absolutely no idea what hydrolysis meant, the entire project was on proving that humans can survive without an atmosphere. The colored tissue paper on the box to the right was supposed to act as an atmosphere, which he used to "filter" out the sunlight. Idiot, you just filtered out most of the nutrition plants need to go through photosynthesis, which is why the plants in that other shitty box without an “atmosphere” actually grew taller.
Number 2 is Hovering Heaven. What exactly makes it a Hovering Heaven? Did you think that big floating toilet seat on the floor was going keep me from failing it? Wrong!
Finally, we have our top choice of shame. There were some terrible projects so far but nothing compares to this, if there was any content on this to begin with the kid must have been too poor to afford a glue stick. My fellow judge is seen here saluting this complete waste of paper, he hopes the kid gets shot. Nice job ruining society with this embarrassment kid. "Tasty?" only if you enjoy the taste of humiliation.
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