A Completely Biased Review of the 2004 Presidential Election

With the 2004 Presidential Election on many people’s minds, tensions are running high in the United States, so much tension in fact, that all I get are people sending me letters about why I should vote for Bush or Kerry. We published this article to let everyone know where we stand on this issue in the hopes that, after today, we will not receive another poorly written letter from assholes telling me whom to vote for.

Not everyone follows the election, but they should, it beats discussing how many times you wanked off to low quality lesbian porn last week. Here’s a recount of what’s been going on: Your four top runners for the 2004 presidential elections are President George W. Bush, Senator John Kerry, Ralph Nader, and Michael Badnarik. Who the fuck is Michael Badnarik you ask? Badnarik is the Libertarian candidate, who, along with best buddy Nader, should drop out and go raise chickens instead.



Nader, as most people should remember, was the bastard responsible for throwing off the vote count in Florida back in 2000, that and the fact that Mr. George's brother happened to be governor of the state. However, throwing off the election isn’t nearly as bad as just being ugly, not as ugly as Dennis Miller of course, but ugly enough that I think I’ll go to the next rally at his house and tell him how ugly he is. When people see Nader on the streets, they should scream, “AHHH! WHY ARE YOU ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS UGLY THAN DENNIS MILLER?” then run the other way, Nader will feel very special when people do this.



The more important candidates in this election are George W. Bush, I call him Georgie, and John Kerry, whose giant Botox head, can knock Dennis Miller to the fucking moon where moon men will indefinitely operate him on.



A few days ago, the Bush campaign released their new ad, which shows Kerry windsurfing one way, then another, supposedly portraying him as a flip-flopper. Logically, this is also suppose to mean that President Bush is not a flip-flopper, so logically, Georgie will sail sail right into the fucking ocean which will most likely result in being gay raped by sharks. But in defense of Georgie, we would just like to remind everyone that in Abu Graib prison, it was Team America doing the raping.



There are also a number of 527 (independent) ads, and with those, there is no question that the “Swift Boat Veterans” ad has become the most famous of all the crappy homemade videos. Featuring “veterans” who challenge Kerry’s courage during the Vietnam War, which Republican Senator John McCain who had worked closely with Kerry during the war denounced. But really, you’ve got to be as much of a fag as Late Night with Conan O'Brien’s Masturbating Bear to believe that a bunch of Klansman dressed up in hand-me-down Halloween costumes are really veterans, these people deserve some punishment, like having their asses lit on fire by Chinese fireworks.



Don’t like Georgie anymore? Don’t worry, you have another choice and that’s to vote for Senator John Kerry, the guy with the Botox face. Don't like his botox? It doesn't matter, Kerry is not nearly as much as a douche bag as Georgie. No one is going to assassinated Georgie because that’d be like killing a crippled monkey, and what sane person would have the heart to kill a crippled monkey. The only way to get Georgie to follow in the footsteps of his father is to vote for Senator Kerry.

As much as I want to start my own political party and have everyone vote for me just so that I can laugh at all the losers when I win, it’s not a good idea. So if you were planning to vote for The Commie and are now thinking along the lines of “I hate Bush and have reasons to justify it but I wouldn't vote for Kerry either,” you should go to hell for thinking like a fucking gypsy. I don’t tolerate the gypsies I have to beat down with my golf clubs everyday, so there’s no reason why I should have to tolerate the gypsies who fuck up in the voting booth by not voting Kerry this year.

Islamic Extremists for Dummies

After the Philippines withdrew their "MASSIVE" fifty-one peacekeeping troops from Iraq, the kidnappings are starting to intensify. A group calling itself "The Holders of the Black Banners" abducted three Indians, three Kenyans, and Egyptian truck drivers Wednesday, threatening to behead one every seventy-two hours unless the Kuwaiti company they work for closes its branches in Iraq. Friday morning, a group called “Lions of Allah Brigade” abducted an Egyptian diplomat. Does anyone else think this is getting a little old?

Personally, I’m slightly disappointed, I thought extremists who could plot hijacking planes and crashing them into buildings, and carry out the Madrid Train Bombing could be a little more creative than repeatedly kidnapping and beheading people. I know it must have been very exciting the first time, but how many times have this been done already? I propose some changes made to all Islamic Extremist Groups so that that their actions will always be as fresh as me.

1. 
   
   Replace those stupid looking guys wearing masks with the Teletubbies. Everyone will want to see the pimped up version of Twinkie Winkie, Po, whatever the rest of them are called, it will be educational too, every American child with brain-dead parents will now learn to speak Arabic, instead of saying “asshole,” they can now say “hottaha fi teezak,” wouldn’t that be cool? Little retards won't be the only demographic this latest change will apeal to,the gay population will be mesmerized as well, that’s like a buy 1 get 1 free deal! How can you argue with that? The right way to broadcast a hostage video.
   
2. Instead of a gun that shoots out dangerous bullets, use a hair dryer. Trust me, split ends are the worst things you can possibly get in the universe, AIDS is like strolling on the boardwalk compared to it. In no time at all your abducted buddy will be begging for mercy, every country in the world will submit to such formidable hair-spitting prowess.
   


3. This is the most important change to be made, do something other than beheading your hostages, it's boring. To make things more interesting for everyone, have the militants and hostages enter into friendly competition each day, like a ballet recital. Alternatively, everyone can play House, or Caves, depending on the current situation. A game everyone can play is chess, same rules, but instead of wooden pieces, we'll have people, each person carries a pouch of pixey dust. When captured, the captor takes a handful of pixey dust and sprinkles it on the opponent he captured, which will make him nice and sparkly, but complete useless, how kick ass is that? This will develop a sense of team spirit, when the game end everyone comes together for a big group hug, this way everyone wins!

I know that every extremist group will consider and adapt to my brilliant suggestions, in the end, everyone benefits from them. The United States hates gays to a point where they won't allow gays in teh army, they certainly expect extremists to threaten hostages with death, but they’ll never know what hit them if all they see are live footage of a bunch of homosexuals playing grabass.

Preorder your copies of Islamic Extremists for Dummies today!

(06-26-04) Update: The Lions of Allah Brigade has freed Mr. Qutb the Egyptian diplomat "because of the religious faith and moral qualities he possesses," Egypt also stated that it has no intention of training Iraqi troops. Excellent work Lions of Allah Brigade, you took my advice to heart and now everyone's happy.

A View on Homeless People

From Comrade Bhattacharyya (The Communist Antidisestablishmentarianist)

Have you ever walk down a street and suddenly a homeless guy pops up in front of you from out of nowhere and asks for money for “food?" If you actually gave those street beggars money, then you deserve to lose it, furthermore you are a dumbass. A fool and his money are soon parted.

Homeless people suck. I do however hate people who give money to beggars more than I hate beggars themselves. If you give money to homeless people, you become a victim, and you deserve to be homeless too. I don’t get it. Why do people give money to homeless people? You might as well buy booze, crack, and hookers yourself to eliminate the middleman. Do they honestly think they are making a difference in the world?

You think giving money is a good and charitable deed and that you are a good person if you do. You are not a good person if you give money to the homeless because you are a retard and you like fueling the plague of beggars in the city. People who give money to the homeless are the reason we have high crime rates and drug dealing. Charity doesn’t make a difference in the world. On the other hand, doing the opposite would make a difference, for the better. If you don’t give money to the homeless, they will die of starvation.

You may think this is cruel and evil (pussies), but it’s the best way to benefit society. If homeless people die, there will be a smaller population in the world. You will get rid of the non-contributing members to society and increase the average efficiency of the human population. A lower population leaves only the contributing members to society and thus puts less strain on the environment. Drug dealers will have less of a target audience and thus their business will become unprofitable. Crime rates will go down because of lower drug trafficking. Cities, states, and countries can spend less money on programs to shelter the homeless, combating crime, stopping druggies, and protecting the environment. That leaves more money for education and health improvement, this way everybody who isn’t homeless benefits. It’s a win-win situation and not a win-lose situation because everybody knows homeless people don’t matter.

A few days ago, I was in Baltimore Harbor walking down the street when a young hobo asks me how I am doing, better than you are obviously. He told me he wasn’t going to beg and started talking about freestyle rap. You’re obviously going to beg, so why else would you talk to me. I tried to walk away but this is one of those hobos that follow you until you play dead or you dish out 20 dollars. He started rhyming, pathetically trying to make a rap. “I’m sitting all alone out by the sea, all I ask is a little fee, to help out a homeless bum like me.” He must have spent a few years thinking that one up, and by this point, he was really pissing me off. I decided tell him my own rap as well. “Fuck off. Get a job,” rap doesn’t always have to rhyme. The hobo started begging and cursing. I couldn’t shake him off so I had to run to the nearest Barnes and Noble because he wasn’t wearing shoes. It’s then that I saw the book Mein Kampf for sale and I decided to buy it. It was pretty big so if the hobo came back I could chuck it at him.

The next day I was walking near the White House in D.C., atrocious as it was just being there, I had to notice an old hag who was throwing bread for the pigeons in the park asked for some money. She was the ugliest bitch that I have ever had the misfortune of looking at. She was dressed in red, white, and blue, had two American flags, and had a sticker of George Bush on her face. She said again, “could you spare some change?” Since she was throwing bread at the pigeons, I assumed she wouldn’t need any money to buy food because she was giving food to the pigeons. I decided to have some fun and I asked her why she wanted the money. She said that she needed it to buy food. I asked her why she needed it if she had bread in her hand in which to give the pigeons. She gave me a stern look as if I was evil, then that stupid crack whore called me a Nazi. I explained, “There’s a big difference between Communists and Nazis.” She stood up as if to defend her crack whoredom and her “democracy.” I then pulled out the copy of Mein Kampf, which I had conveniently stored in my backpack for just such an occasion. I said, “I’m sorry, I am a Nazi.” I gave her the book and watched her face as she read the authors name. Her jaw dropped almost as low as her saggy semen covered tits. I called her a Nazi and with her holding Mein Kampf, I’m sure a few people gave her odd looks.

I wish I could go back to the white house and make fun of that woman again.

C.I.A. Judgments on Iraq's Arms are Deeply Flawed

The Senate Intelligence Committee said Friday that the most pivotal assessments used to justify the war against Iraq were unfounded and unreasonable, and reflected major missteps by American intelligence agencies. "What the President and the Congress used to send the country to war was information provided by the intelligence community, and that information was flawed," said Senator Pat Roberts of Kansas, the panel's Republican chairman...Seems like there’s going to be a slight problem.

President Bush described Saddam Hussein in March 2002 as "a dangerous man who possesses the world's most dangerous weapons," Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld reassured the world of this in a speech January 2003. Turns out, evidence says that Saddam have nothing more than a small arsenal of weapons that are far from being capable of mass destruction. Nice job Bush, so much for being a religious man, what good is God if he won’t hide weapons of mass destruction in the “evil do-er’s” homeland.

How embarrassing is this going to be, "Sorry about murdering your sons, defiling your palaces, toppling that statue of yours, and stashing you in jail for half a year Mr. Hussein, let me brush you up a bit, you’re fine.” I feel sorry for the Shi'a, they’re out there proclaiming “Death to Saddam,” now the chances of that might be slim, and if no one can justify keeping the man behind bars, its going to be back to the shit houses for them…stupid Shi’a.

Of course, there’s also the matter of the current judge of Saddam’s trial who has personally made it a note to tell inform the Iraqi President that he is Former Iraqi President. He goes on to tell him that he worked as a judge under the old régime, nice job retard now you risk solitary confinement for the rest of your life.

In January 2003, an assessment found that "Saddam probably will not initiate hostilities for fear of providing Washington with justification to invade Iraq. Nevertheless, he might deal the first blow, especially if he perceives that an attack intended to end his regime is imminent." By March 17, 2003, before the American attack commenced, President Bush promised that the time of such risks was about to end. We would just like to take the time to present out heartfelt thanks to President Bush for his campaign against a country that in 2002 is said by US Intelligence to be more fragile militarily than in 1991. Thanks to the toppling of Saddam we no longer need to worry about guerrillas in Iraq, Al-Qaeda across the globe, Islamic extremists intent on killing us all, and India and Pakistan who actually have nuclear weapons pointing at each other. Oh look! Islamic militants are holding still holding that Filipino bus driver captive, President Arroyo, you're a disgrace to every female political leader, please retreat the 51 (actual number) troops you have in Iraq, they're working as janitors anyway and can't help President Bush, he gets rid of his evil do-ers.

Charge Saddam with sexism!...never mind that's the extreme Muslim way, better find something else to charge Saddam with.

Sources:
New York Times: Senators Assail C.I.A. Judgments on Iraq's Arms as Deeply Flawed
Washington Post: As Rationales for War Erode, Issue of Blame Looms Large
BBC News: Bush pledges intelligence reforms

My Friends the PETA

I wonder if the chickens ever look at each other and notice that THEY HAVE WINGS! Therefore, the reason why they can’t fly must be that they’re a bunch of morons. Here’s my question, if chickens are too stupid to realize that they can fly, or at least attempt to fly, they’re obviously they are too stupid figure out that they’ll eventually have their heads chopped off, or if they do realize they can fly, they obviously don’t care to, which means they don’t really care about death.

The PETA is composed of a bunch of whores who care about nothing more than satisfying their own greedy lust to feel as if they’ve done so much for everyone else. It’s clear that a majestic slaughtering is on the chicken’s mind, but if it’s not, what sparks that magical idea that they really care about how they meet the end?

In front of me is an article on the PETA that caught my eye, “Woman to Spend July Fourth Chained to Doghouse in Fight for Dogs’ Freedom.” At first I was all for praising this brave soul who would chain herself to a dog house just to support dog rights, but then I thought about it, and it doesn’t really make sense, think about it, she can’t possible fit into the doghouse unless the doghouse is huge, in which case the dog would have it pretty good. So if she can’t fit inside, she must have planned to chain herself outside…so she’s outside the doghouse, on the Forth of July, where should she not have chosen to chain herself to the doghouse, would be outside anyway reaping in the sight of beautiful fireworks…nice sacrifice.

I wonder if there are better things that the PETA can do, such as picking up litter or sweeping the sidewalks. Anything must be better than the “2004 Sexiest Vegetarians” contest they have on the main page of their site.

It’s a few days after July 4 now and I'm once again reading up on the latest PETA news. These activists are now handing out “McCruelty’s Unhappy Meals” pamphlets, which depict a Ronald McDonald wielding a bloody axe. Does anyone else find this just a tad extreme? Maybe once they try McDonald’s, they’ll realize that they should be protesting a restaurant that doesn’t substitute paper towels for meat.

Here’s an interesting fact that I found on PETA.org, “Fish don’t want to be cooped up in a tiny tank. They want to be free to swim the pond or great blue sea, as the case may be.” It might be a nice one-line definition of the term “retard” but its freedom of expression. What kind of fish doesn’t want to swim in a pond, which is basically a slightly larger tank with bacteria and ducks that kill them, I’m sure fleeing for their lives will not be what the article calls “Snoresville,” perhaps the “great blue sea,” which is obviously the result of global warming might be a better place for them instead.

Of course, for anyone who can’t get enough of animal fun, there’s cow and elephant appreciation day, a truly wonderful holiday where I celebrate the exquisite ivory that makes my chopsticks and chess pieces.

Run Away Chicken Charlie!