With the 2004 Presidential Election on many people’s minds, tensions are running high in the United States, so much tension in fact, that all I get are people sending me letters about why I should vote for Bush or Kerry. We published this article to let everyone know where we stand on this issue in the hopes that, after today, we will not receive another poorly written letter from assholes telling me whom to vote for.
Not everyone follows the election, but they should, it beats discussing how many times you wanked off to low quality lesbian porn last week. Here’s a recount of what’s been going on: Your four top runners for the 2004 presidential elections are President George W. Bush, Senator John Kerry, Ralph Nader, and Michael Badnarik. Who the fuck is Michael Badnarik you ask? Badnarik is the Libertarian candidate, who, along with best buddy Nader, should drop out and go raise chickens instead.
Nader, as most people should remember, was the bastard responsible for throwing off the vote count in Florida back in 2000, that and the fact that Mr. George's brother happened to be governor of the state. However, throwing off the election isn’t nearly as bad as just being ugly, not as ugly as Dennis Miller of course, but ugly enough that I think I’ll go to the next rally at his house and tell him how ugly he is. When people see Nader on the streets, they should scream, “AHHH! WHY ARE YOU ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS UGLY THAN DENNIS MILLER?” then run the other way, Nader will feel very special when people do this.
The more important candidates in this election are George W. Bush, I call him Georgie, and John Kerry, whose giant Botox head, can knock Dennis Miller to the fucking moon where moon men will indefinitely operate him on.
A few days ago, the Bush campaign released their new ad, which shows Kerry windsurfing one way, then another, supposedly portraying him as a flip-flopper. Logically, this is also suppose to mean that President Bush is not a flip-flopper, so logically, Georgie will sail sail right into the fucking ocean which will most likely result in being gay raped by sharks. But in defense of Georgie, we would just like to remind everyone that in Abu Graib prison, it was Team America doing the raping.
There are also a number of 527 (independent) ads, and with those, there is no question that the “Swift Boat Veterans” ad has become the most famous of all the crappy homemade videos. Featuring “veterans” who challenge Kerry’s courage during the Vietnam War, which Republican Senator John McCain who had worked closely with Kerry during the war denounced. But really, you’ve got to be as much of a fag as Late Night with Conan O'Brien’s Masturbating Bear to believe that a bunch of Klansman dressed up in hand-me-down Halloween costumes are really veterans, these people deserve some punishment, like having their asses lit on fire by Chinese fireworks.
Don’t like Georgie anymore? Don’t worry, you have another choice and that’s to vote for Senator John Kerry, the guy with the Botox face. Don't like his botox? It doesn't matter, Kerry is not nearly as much as a douche bag as Georgie. No one is going to assassinated Georgie because that’d be like killing a crippled monkey, and what sane person would have the heart to kill a crippled monkey. The only way to get Georgie to follow in the footsteps of his father is to vote for Senator Kerry.
As much as I want to start my own political party and have everyone vote for me just so that I can laugh at all the losers when I win, it’s not a good idea. So if you were planning to vote for The Commie and are now thinking along the lines of “I hate Bush and have reasons to justify it but I wouldn't vote for Kerry either,” you should go to hell for thinking like a fucking gypsy. I don’t tolerate the gypsies I have to beat down with my golf clubs everyday, so there’s no reason why I should have to tolerate the gypsies who fuck up in the voting booth by not voting Kerry this year.
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