Islamic Extremists for Dummies

After the Philippines withdrew their "MASSIVE" fifty-one peacekeeping troops from Iraq, the kidnappings are starting to intensify. A group calling itself "The Holders of the Black Banners" abducted three Indians, three Kenyans, and Egyptian truck drivers Wednesday, threatening to behead one every seventy-two hours unless the Kuwaiti company they work for closes its branches in Iraq. Friday morning, a group called “Lions of Allah Brigade” abducted an Egyptian diplomat. Does anyone else think this is getting a little old?

Personally, I’m slightly disappointed, I thought extremists who could plot hijacking planes and crashing them into buildings, and carry out the Madrid Train Bombing could be a little more creative than repeatedly kidnapping and beheading people. I know it must have been very exciting the first time, but how many times have this been done already? I propose some changes made to all Islamic Extremist Groups so that that their actions will always be as fresh as me.

1. 
   
   Replace those stupid looking guys wearing masks with the Teletubbies. Everyone will want to see the pimped up version of Twinkie Winkie, Po, whatever the rest of them are called, it will be educational too, every American child with brain-dead parents will now learn to speak Arabic, instead of saying “asshole,” they can now say “hottaha fi teezak,” wouldn’t that be cool? Little retards won't be the only demographic this latest change will apeal to,the gay population will be mesmerized as well, that’s like a buy 1 get 1 free deal! How can you argue with that? The right way to broadcast a hostage video.
   
2. Instead of a gun that shoots out dangerous bullets, use a hair dryer. Trust me, split ends are the worst things you can possibly get in the universe, AIDS is like strolling on the boardwalk compared to it. In no time at all your abducted buddy will be begging for mercy, every country in the world will submit to such formidable hair-spitting prowess.
   


3. This is the most important change to be made, do something other than beheading your hostages, it's boring. To make things more interesting for everyone, have the militants and hostages enter into friendly competition each day, like a ballet recital. Alternatively, everyone can play House, or Caves, depending on the current situation. A game everyone can play is chess, same rules, but instead of wooden pieces, we'll have people, each person carries a pouch of pixey dust. When captured, the captor takes a handful of pixey dust and sprinkles it on the opponent he captured, which will make him nice and sparkly, but complete useless, how kick ass is that? This will develop a sense of team spirit, when the game end everyone comes together for a big group hug, this way everyone wins!

I know that every extremist group will consider and adapt to my brilliant suggestions, in the end, everyone benefits from them. The United States hates gays to a point where they won't allow gays in teh army, they certainly expect extremists to threaten hostages with death, but they’ll never know what hit them if all they see are live footage of a bunch of homosexuals playing grabass.

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(06-26-04) Update: The Lions of Allah Brigade has freed Mr. Qutb the Egyptian diplomat "because of the religious faith and moral qualities he possesses," Egypt also stated that it has no intention of training Iraqi troops. Excellent work Lions of Allah Brigade, you took my advice to heart and now everyone's happy.