America: Democracy at Work

Only the retarded kid dumb enough to go to the Never Land Ranch would believe that America is the best country in the world, that this is democracy at its best. Who’s that delusional fool that claims America is evil but less evil when compared to everyone else? Well I’m here to tell you that this country is a piece of shit! I’m here to present what everyone knows deep down, to say to America and each one of its Klansmen, hillbillies, and the never-ending array of poorly mixed-blooded children that this is the shittiest country I have ever seen.

Every Bushy, blind worshippers of that senile half-dead Catholic Pope and all their child-molesting friends should pack up their firstborn, dump that slow-witted piece of shit you pass for a child on the lawns of the White House as a sacrifice to Dick Cheney who will eat the bean sized brain they inherited from their parents. The US just proved it’s a complete waste of time.

I’m probably offending the one person with an internet connection with AOL dialup. I can understand why the hillbilly state of Whyoming, with an average IQ of 89 (source: IQ and the Wealth of Nations) and corpse-fucking inhabitants singing the trashy Wyoming song could vote Bush. However, there is no justifying why Ohio voted fascist. What kind of lame excuse is “Kerry didn’t connect with farmers?” I suppose farmers enjoy degrading themselves by connecting with a drunk whose uneducated wife and hillbilly children defeat in intellect, dumbshits.

Then there’s always Florida, the nastily shaped state where senile bastards that look like George’s mom go to die. Nice job old people, you bunch of wrinkly neo-Nazis for making the decision to stand in the voting line instead of the doctor’s to get that flu shot America doesn’t have. Hurricanes my ass, I bet the water is what rejuvenated your rotting skin enough to get you to hit Bush on the screen., or maybe it was one of those mysterious malfunctions of the polling machines that kept on selecting Bush, I’m not kidding with this one, there are actually machines that kept on selecting Bush.

Did half the country suddenly decide to wear pillowcases and vote for someone naïve enough to tell the media “My brother says we’re going to win Ohio and Florida” and his satanic running mate? Who knows, maybe Cheney is really just a nice old man who became CEO of Halliburton by handing out candies to everyone.

If this is a joke…It’s a pretty good joke.

The Worst Show on Television

I use to wake up on Saturday mornings at 5am to catch two reruns of Scooby-Doo on Canada’s Teletoon, and then flip over to Y-TV to join Bugs Bunny on his always-exhilarating adventures. Years later, I would tune into Seinfeld, and Frasier on NBC, then the Simpsons, and my personal favorite, Family Guy on Fox. Someone should sentence to life to whoever canceled Family Guy for two years because it got lower ratings than Survivor. Hey! I got a great idea for the next Survivor Series its call “Survivor AIDS,” how it works is, we have all the contestants contract AIDS and see who survives!

Of course, with the good comes the bad. I don’t mean bad as in “this show is shit,” I mean bad as in “I’d rather suffocate in shit then watch another second of this show.” The “show” I’m referring to is of course, Dennis Miller.

For those who don’t know, Miller is a very retarded far right ringer. That alone is nothing too bad, the fact that he’s not funny, has zero talent, and is greatly despised even by the homeless man I gave $0.25 last week to let me quote how much he hates Dennis Miller. "I hate Dennis Miller," says a homeless guy.

On a recent Tonight Show appearance in June, Dennis Miller said the following, “You can use a credit card at McDonalds now. Yeah, because what fun is being morbidly obese if you're not bankrupt too.” Yes, very clever, Americans must blame McDonald’s dollar menu for making them bankrupt, good job dumbshit. Didn’t like that one well this is guaranteed to make you jump off a building laughing, “John Kerry had arthroscopic surgery. Evidently, he had some repetitive stress injury. I think it was from all those years of changing his vote in the Senate.”

Here’s a quick quiz, the question is “Does Dennis Suck?” These are the choices: Yes.

Miller’s latest show on CNBC, with the uncreative title “Dennis Miller,” begins with him pretending to be a news anchor, while making “witty” comments. For example, "15,000 people auditioned for the new American Idol, wow, 15,000 maybe I can sing too (pause) no I can't (pause) its times like this that makes me happy I have that brain thinking, (no one laughs), maybe I should have had my brain thinking and not tell that joke (dead silence)." I find laundry spinning in a dryer more entertaining than that Miller's humor. I suppose we should applause him for saying anything at all, this is the man who once told an off joke then decided it would be hilarious to leave his seat for five minutes! I’ll just assume that it’s supposed to be hilarious and that all ten people in his audience are dunces for not laughing. Is the news just more funny than his commentary? I'd have laughed if he had said, 15,000 people auditioned for the latest American Idol, maybe with 15,000 people offline, I can finally get better download speeds on my lesbian porn...it's funny because its true.

Which brings me to another point, the best late night shows such as The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, or Late Night with Conan O'Brien have hundreds of people in their audience who genuinely express their enjoyment through laughter, others like Letterman at least keep their applause signs working. However, they never have the common courtesy to thank the audience every time they applause like Dennis does? They would have to do so a couple hundred more times than Dennis each night, but you never know if you don't try.

I enjoy Dennis Miller for the monkey on his show, which he dresses in a diaper and throw rocks at the entire show to piss it off, where the hell is PETA when you need them? PETA should stop bitching over the quality of pot rats are smoking in labs and get that poor monkey off the stage. I would rather be a human gunnie pig testing makeup for ugly people, who should stop kidding themselves, than be anywhere near Dennis Miller and his mix of racist, sexist, over the top conservative act. Plus I don't like having rocks thrown at me.

Here are my suggestions to Dennis Miller

1. Stop using beginning your sentences with "Now I don't mean to get off on a rant here." - You're getting off on a rant we know that, so either shut up or finish it so everyone can go home and agree with me on how much you suck.


2. Commit suicide - Seriously, your ratings will go through the roof once people realize that your pathetic show has been replaced with The People's Perception with The Commie.

Now I don’t mean to get off on a rant here, but Dennis Miller should stop being a whore, of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Notice: 07-16-2005: As of May 2005, CNBC cancelled Dennis Miller. Sucker.

The True Spirit of Sport

On August 13, the Olympic flames will ignite in the city of Athens uniting the world under one banner. However, there are always those brain-dead little assholes intent on screwing with the well-being of the rest of us.

With five days left until the gathering of the best athletes in the world, we still hear bastards complaining about the ineffectiveness of drug testing. Of course, there are also those who believe that there shouldn’t be any drug testing at all. So once again, I must call upon my great array of wisdom to solve this problem. Here’s my solution, there will no longer be drug testing at any Olympic event, all athletes must now take steroids on a daily basis. This is great idea eliminates the need for drug testing while enhancing the competition, it’s like killing two birds with one stone, and since the plan is fool proof, you don’t need to worry about the birds crapping on you in case you miss.

With all the terrific sports in the Olympics, there are some that are slightly questionable, I’m referring of course, to fencing. Fencing is just a pansy’s excuse for not participating in sword fights like normal people, it a synonym for bullshit, how dare you slash at me with your dull tinfoil stick? Well I guess I’ll just have to slap you back with my bootleg pirate stick. My fishing rod can do more damage than that one swipe from it, and you’ll have a fucking hook in your mouth to deal with.

With the gathering of millions of folks from almost every nation in the world, security will be tight to prevent terror threats. If the Olympics would be a little more embracing to our extremist friends in the Middle East, everyone will have a good time. Since fencing is obviously for retards, we should replace it with Tinfoil vs. Sword. The idea is we have terrorists and fencers go in an all out battle, fencers are allowed one free strike at the terrorists with their rapier, then the terrorists get to hit the fencers with a sword. If the terrorist dies, it proves that fencing is dangerous and shouldn’t be an Olympic sport, if the fencer dies it proves that fencers are pathetic so there won’t be any fencers left to participate. Either way, we all win…except the fencers they get their asses kicked...And you might want to shoot the terrorists too while you're at it....before they blow up...or molest our children.

There are also “countries” in the Olympics that shouldn’t be in it, mainly Taiwan. Taiwan’s not a country based on the reasoning that a country must have at least one person who isn’t inbred, I’ve never seen a place more inbred, even their language is inbred. Speaking one of the hundreds of local Chinese dialects with a fake accent and calling it Taiwanese is the same as being shit.

The image is bigger than usual to give the illusion that this article is longer than it really is.

A Completely Biased Review of the 2004 Presidential Election

With the 2004 Presidential Election on many people’s minds, tensions are running high in the United States, so much tension in fact, that all I get are people sending me letters about why I should vote for Bush or Kerry. We published this article to let everyone know where we stand on this issue in the hopes that, after today, we will not receive another poorly written letter from assholes telling me whom to vote for.

Not everyone follows the election, but they should, it beats discussing how many times you wanked off to low quality lesbian porn last week. Here’s a recount of what’s been going on: Your four top runners for the 2004 presidential elections are President George W. Bush, Senator John Kerry, Ralph Nader, and Michael Badnarik. Who the fuck is Michael Badnarik you ask? Badnarik is the Libertarian candidate, who, along with best buddy Nader, should drop out and go raise chickens instead.



Nader, as most people should remember, was the bastard responsible for throwing off the vote count in Florida back in 2000, that and the fact that Mr. George's brother happened to be governor of the state. However, throwing off the election isn’t nearly as bad as just being ugly, not as ugly as Dennis Miller of course, but ugly enough that I think I’ll go to the next rally at his house and tell him how ugly he is. When people see Nader on the streets, they should scream, “AHHH! WHY ARE YOU ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS UGLY THAN DENNIS MILLER?” then run the other way, Nader will feel very special when people do this.



The more important candidates in this election are George W. Bush, I call him Georgie, and John Kerry, whose giant Botox head, can knock Dennis Miller to the fucking moon where moon men will indefinitely operate him on.



A few days ago, the Bush campaign released their new ad, which shows Kerry windsurfing one way, then another, supposedly portraying him as a flip-flopper. Logically, this is also suppose to mean that President Bush is not a flip-flopper, so logically, Georgie will sail sail right into the fucking ocean which will most likely result in being gay raped by sharks. But in defense of Georgie, we would just like to remind everyone that in Abu Graib prison, it was Team America doing the raping.



There are also a number of 527 (independent) ads, and with those, there is no question that the “Swift Boat Veterans” ad has become the most famous of all the crappy homemade videos. Featuring “veterans” who challenge Kerry’s courage during the Vietnam War, which Republican Senator John McCain who had worked closely with Kerry during the war denounced. But really, you’ve got to be as much of a fag as Late Night with Conan O'Brien’s Masturbating Bear to believe that a bunch of Klansman dressed up in hand-me-down Halloween costumes are really veterans, these people deserve some punishment, like having their asses lit on fire by Chinese fireworks.



Don’t like Georgie anymore? Don’t worry, you have another choice and that’s to vote for Senator John Kerry, the guy with the Botox face. Don't like his botox? It doesn't matter, Kerry is not nearly as much as a douche bag as Georgie. No one is going to assassinated Georgie because that’d be like killing a crippled monkey, and what sane person would have the heart to kill a crippled monkey. The only way to get Georgie to follow in the footsteps of his father is to vote for Senator Kerry.

As much as I want to start my own political party and have everyone vote for me just so that I can laugh at all the losers when I win, it’s not a good idea. So if you were planning to vote for The Commie and are now thinking along the lines of “I hate Bush and have reasons to justify it but I wouldn't vote for Kerry either,” you should go to hell for thinking like a fucking gypsy. I don’t tolerate the gypsies I have to beat down with my golf clubs everyday, so there’s no reason why I should have to tolerate the gypsies who fuck up in the voting booth by not voting Kerry this year.

Islamic Extremists for Dummies

After the Philippines withdrew their "MASSIVE" fifty-one peacekeeping troops from Iraq, the kidnappings are starting to intensify. A group calling itself "The Holders of the Black Banners" abducted three Indians, three Kenyans, and Egyptian truck drivers Wednesday, threatening to behead one every seventy-two hours unless the Kuwaiti company they work for closes its branches in Iraq. Friday morning, a group called “Lions of Allah Brigade” abducted an Egyptian diplomat. Does anyone else think this is getting a little old?

Personally, I’m slightly disappointed, I thought extremists who could plot hijacking planes and crashing them into buildings, and carry out the Madrid Train Bombing could be a little more creative than repeatedly kidnapping and beheading people. I know it must have been very exciting the first time, but how many times have this been done already? I propose some changes made to all Islamic Extremist Groups so that that their actions will always be as fresh as me.

1. 
   
   Replace those stupid looking guys wearing masks with the Teletubbies. Everyone will want to see the pimped up version of Twinkie Winkie, Po, whatever the rest of them are called, it will be educational too, every American child with brain-dead parents will now learn to speak Arabic, instead of saying “asshole,” they can now say “hottaha fi teezak,” wouldn’t that be cool? Little retards won't be the only demographic this latest change will apeal to,the gay population will be mesmerized as well, that’s like a buy 1 get 1 free deal! How can you argue with that? The right way to broadcast a hostage video.
   
2. Instead of a gun that shoots out dangerous bullets, use a hair dryer. Trust me, split ends are the worst things you can possibly get in the universe, AIDS is like strolling on the boardwalk compared to it. In no time at all your abducted buddy will be begging for mercy, every country in the world will submit to such formidable hair-spitting prowess.
   


3. This is the most important change to be made, do something other than beheading your hostages, it's boring. To make things more interesting for everyone, have the militants and hostages enter into friendly competition each day, like a ballet recital. Alternatively, everyone can play House, or Caves, depending on the current situation. A game everyone can play is chess, same rules, but instead of wooden pieces, we'll have people, each person carries a pouch of pixey dust. When captured, the captor takes a handful of pixey dust and sprinkles it on the opponent he captured, which will make him nice and sparkly, but complete useless, how kick ass is that? This will develop a sense of team spirit, when the game end everyone comes together for a big group hug, this way everyone wins!

I know that every extremist group will consider and adapt to my brilliant suggestions, in the end, everyone benefits from them. The United States hates gays to a point where they won't allow gays in teh army, they certainly expect extremists to threaten hostages with death, but they’ll never know what hit them if all they see are live footage of a bunch of homosexuals playing grabass.

Preorder your copies of Islamic Extremists for Dummies today!

(06-26-04) Update: The Lions of Allah Brigade has freed Mr. Qutb the Egyptian diplomat "because of the religious faith and moral qualities he possesses," Egypt also stated that it has no intention of training Iraqi troops. Excellent work Lions of Allah Brigade, you took my advice to heart and now everyone's happy.

A View on Homeless People

From Comrade Bhattacharyya (The Communist Antidisestablishmentarianist)

Have you ever walk down a street and suddenly a homeless guy pops up in front of you from out of nowhere and asks for money for “food?" If you actually gave those street beggars money, then you deserve to lose it, furthermore you are a dumbass. A fool and his money are soon parted.

Homeless people suck. I do however hate people who give money to beggars more than I hate beggars themselves. If you give money to homeless people, you become a victim, and you deserve to be homeless too. I don’t get it. Why do people give money to homeless people? You might as well buy booze, crack, and hookers yourself to eliminate the middleman. Do they honestly think they are making a difference in the world?

You think giving money is a good and charitable deed and that you are a good person if you do. You are not a good person if you give money to the homeless because you are a retard and you like fueling the plague of beggars in the city. People who give money to the homeless are the reason we have high crime rates and drug dealing. Charity doesn’t make a difference in the world. On the other hand, doing the opposite would make a difference, for the better. If you don’t give money to the homeless, they will die of starvation.

You may think this is cruel and evil (pussies), but it’s the best way to benefit society. If homeless people die, there will be a smaller population in the world. You will get rid of the non-contributing members to society and increase the average efficiency of the human population. A lower population leaves only the contributing members to society and thus puts less strain on the environment. Drug dealers will have less of a target audience and thus their business will become unprofitable. Crime rates will go down because of lower drug trafficking. Cities, states, and countries can spend less money on programs to shelter the homeless, combating crime, stopping druggies, and protecting the environment. That leaves more money for education and health improvement, this way everybody who isn’t homeless benefits. It’s a win-win situation and not a win-lose situation because everybody knows homeless people don’t matter.

A few days ago, I was in Baltimore Harbor walking down the street when a young hobo asks me how I am doing, better than you are obviously. He told me he wasn’t going to beg and started talking about freestyle rap. You’re obviously going to beg, so why else would you talk to me. I tried to walk away but this is one of those hobos that follow you until you play dead or you dish out 20 dollars. He started rhyming, pathetically trying to make a rap. “I’m sitting all alone out by the sea, all I ask is a little fee, to help out a homeless bum like me.” He must have spent a few years thinking that one up, and by this point, he was really pissing me off. I decided tell him my own rap as well. “Fuck off. Get a job,” rap doesn’t always have to rhyme. The hobo started begging and cursing. I couldn’t shake him off so I had to run to the nearest Barnes and Noble because he wasn’t wearing shoes. It’s then that I saw the book Mein Kampf for sale and I decided to buy it. It was pretty big so if the hobo came back I could chuck it at him.

The next day I was walking near the White House in D.C., atrocious as it was just being there, I had to notice an old hag who was throwing bread for the pigeons in the park asked for some money. She was the ugliest bitch that I have ever had the misfortune of looking at. She was dressed in red, white, and blue, had two American flags, and had a sticker of George Bush on her face. She said again, “could you spare some change?” Since she was throwing bread at the pigeons, I assumed she wouldn’t need any money to buy food because she was giving food to the pigeons. I decided to have some fun and I asked her why she wanted the money. She said that she needed it to buy food. I asked her why she needed it if she had bread in her hand in which to give the pigeons. She gave me a stern look as if I was evil, then that stupid crack whore called me a Nazi. I explained, “There’s a big difference between Communists and Nazis.” She stood up as if to defend her crack whoredom and her “democracy.” I then pulled out the copy of Mein Kampf, which I had conveniently stored in my backpack for just such an occasion. I said, “I’m sorry, I am a Nazi.” I gave her the book and watched her face as she read the authors name. Her jaw dropped almost as low as her saggy semen covered tits. I called her a Nazi and with her holding Mein Kampf, I’m sure a few people gave her odd looks.

I wish I could go back to the white house and make fun of that woman again.

C.I.A. Judgments on Iraq's Arms are Deeply Flawed

The Senate Intelligence Committee said Friday that the most pivotal assessments used to justify the war against Iraq were unfounded and unreasonable, and reflected major missteps by American intelligence agencies. "What the President and the Congress used to send the country to war was information provided by the intelligence community, and that information was flawed," said Senator Pat Roberts of Kansas, the panel's Republican chairman...Seems like there’s going to be a slight problem.

President Bush described Saddam Hussein in March 2002 as "a dangerous man who possesses the world's most dangerous weapons," Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld reassured the world of this in a speech January 2003. Turns out, evidence says that Saddam have nothing more than a small arsenal of weapons that are far from being capable of mass destruction. Nice job Bush, so much for being a religious man, what good is God if he won’t hide weapons of mass destruction in the “evil do-er’s” homeland.

How embarrassing is this going to be, "Sorry about murdering your sons, defiling your palaces, toppling that statue of yours, and stashing you in jail for half a year Mr. Hussein, let me brush you up a bit, you’re fine.” I feel sorry for the Shi'a, they’re out there proclaiming “Death to Saddam,” now the chances of that might be slim, and if no one can justify keeping the man behind bars, its going to be back to the shit houses for them…stupid Shi’a.

Of course, there’s also the matter of the current judge of Saddam’s trial who has personally made it a note to tell inform the Iraqi President that he is Former Iraqi President. He goes on to tell him that he worked as a judge under the old régime, nice job retard now you risk solitary confinement for the rest of your life.

In January 2003, an assessment found that "Saddam probably will not initiate hostilities for fear of providing Washington with justification to invade Iraq. Nevertheless, he might deal the first blow, especially if he perceives that an attack intended to end his regime is imminent." By March 17, 2003, before the American attack commenced, President Bush promised that the time of such risks was about to end. We would just like to take the time to present out heartfelt thanks to President Bush for his campaign against a country that in 2002 is said by US Intelligence to be more fragile militarily than in 1991. Thanks to the toppling of Saddam we no longer need to worry about guerrillas in Iraq, Al-Qaeda across the globe, Islamic extremists intent on killing us all, and India and Pakistan who actually have nuclear weapons pointing at each other. Oh look! Islamic militants are holding still holding that Filipino bus driver captive, President Arroyo, you're a disgrace to every female political leader, please retreat the 51 (actual number) troops you have in Iraq, they're working as janitors anyway and can't help President Bush, he gets rid of his evil do-ers.

Charge Saddam with sexism!...never mind that's the extreme Muslim way, better find something else to charge Saddam with.

Sources:
New York Times: Senators Assail C.I.A. Judgments on Iraq's Arms as Deeply Flawed
Washington Post: As Rationales for War Erode, Issue of Blame Looms Large
BBC News: Bush pledges intelligence reforms

My Friends the PETA

I wonder if the chickens ever look at each other and notice that THEY HAVE WINGS! Therefore, the reason why they can’t fly must be that they’re a bunch of morons. Here’s my question, if chickens are too stupid to realize that they can fly, or at least attempt to fly, they’re obviously they are too stupid figure out that they’ll eventually have their heads chopped off, or if they do realize they can fly, they obviously don’t care to, which means they don’t really care about death.

The PETA is composed of a bunch of whores who care about nothing more than satisfying their own greedy lust to feel as if they’ve done so much for everyone else. It’s clear that a majestic slaughtering is on the chicken’s mind, but if it’s not, what sparks that magical idea that they really care about how they meet the end?

In front of me is an article on the PETA that caught my eye, “Woman to Spend July Fourth Chained to Doghouse in Fight for Dogs’ Freedom.” At first I was all for praising this brave soul who would chain herself to a dog house just to support dog rights, but then I thought about it, and it doesn’t really make sense, think about it, she can’t possible fit into the doghouse unless the doghouse is huge, in which case the dog would have it pretty good. So if she can’t fit inside, she must have planned to chain herself outside…so she’s outside the doghouse, on the Forth of July, where should she not have chosen to chain herself to the doghouse, would be outside anyway reaping in the sight of beautiful fireworks…nice sacrifice.

I wonder if there are better things that the PETA can do, such as picking up litter or sweeping the sidewalks. Anything must be better than the “2004 Sexiest Vegetarians” contest they have on the main page of their site.

It’s a few days after July 4 now and I'm once again reading up on the latest PETA news. These activists are now handing out “McCruelty’s Unhappy Meals” pamphlets, which depict a Ronald McDonald wielding a bloody axe. Does anyone else find this just a tad extreme? Maybe once they try McDonald’s, they’ll realize that they should be protesting a restaurant that doesn’t substitute paper towels for meat.

Here’s an interesting fact that I found on PETA.org, “Fish don’t want to be cooped up in a tiny tank. They want to be free to swim the pond or great blue sea, as the case may be.” It might be a nice one-line definition of the term “retard” but its freedom of expression. What kind of fish doesn’t want to swim in a pond, which is basically a slightly larger tank with bacteria and ducks that kill them, I’m sure fleeing for their lives will not be what the article calls “Snoresville,” perhaps the “great blue sea,” which is obviously the result of global warming might be a better place for them instead.

Of course, for anyone who can’t get enough of animal fun, there’s cow and elephant appreciation day, a truly wonderful holiday where I celebrate the exquisite ivory that makes my chopsticks and chess pieces.

Run Away Chicken Charlie!

Seven Ways to Pass the GED

Ashamed that you never received your high school diploma? You should be failure. Luckily, you can take the GED an exam that, should you pass, grants you the equivalency of a high school diploma. Recalling the horrible memory of that 200 on your SATs already? That's why The People's Perception is here to help you pass the Communist Way™.

It was the beginning of another lovely spring morning, filling even the most corrupted of souls with bright optimism. Beautiful sunlight filtered through the leaves into the living room enlightening a majestic glow, nothing seemed far from reach...except passing that GED.

Fail high school? Received a low GPA? No college would accept you? There’s nothing to worry about! Just take the GED (General Educational Development Testing Service) and you’re all set to go.

Did you know that those who obtain scores high enough to earn a GED credential outperform at least 40 percent of today’s high school seniors? Were you ever aware of the fact that more than 95 percent of U.S. employers consider GED graduates the same as traditional high school graduates concerning hiring, salary, and opportunity for advancement? This mean, that should I pass the GED, I too can get a job at the supermarket…well, only 95 percent of the supermarkets.

If you do decide to take the GED here are seven great tips to help you pass, follow them and soon, you too will be on your way to a brighter future.

Study, this seems somewhat obvious, but it’s natural for people to doze off. So here’s the plan, hire a guy to hold a loaded pistol to your head, if you close your eyes he shoots you, the noise is guaranteed to wake you up.

Take out your old tests from your high school days and review them. What the hell, bring them along into the test hall, this way you will know that you failed the GED not because you were nervous, but because you were stupid.

Bring along a lucky item, charms usually brings confidence to its holder, however, since they obviously didn’t help you in high school just cut the crap and follow step one.

Take a few extra dollars with you, often, when your score is just below a pass it becomes necessary to bribe the instructor, if you look hard enough you’re bound to find $10 lying somewhere from that cashier job…oh wait, no you won’t that job requires a high school diploma!

Try to relax, remember it’s no big deal if you fail, by now you should be used to it.
If you don’t know an answer on a test, skip over it and do the easy problems first, actually, for you that would probably mean skipping over the entire test.
As a final resort, if you are unsure of the answer, just guess, keep in mind that the scantron machine is not as dumb as you are and will fail you once it realizes you decided to fill in every hole.

Still worried that you’ll be the only moron taking the test? Surprise! More than 860,000 adults worldwide take the GED Tests each year, which means that I’m better than 860,000 people…that makes me feel so good about myself.

The next step for GED graduates.

Most Shameful Projects of the Year Award

This week I attended a local science fair as one of the judges, however I found the projects so wonderful that I decided to hand out my own award, the "Most Shameful Project of the Year."

As one of the judges, my original intent was to go, compliment the projects, and take a few pictures for a column I was working on in the local paper. However, the paper went to press a bit earlier than I had anticipated. Looking back at the photos, I find that a few of the projects were done exceptionally well, but the rest just makes me glad that their parents will never have to be publicly humiliated on what a horrendous job their children did. If these kids want to give their moms something special for Mother's Day tomorrow, they should consider checking into a foster home.

My problem now is what to do with these pictures, the solution of course, was to have my own science fair competition, but instead of commending the best projects, The People’s Perception is pleased to present the “Most Shameful Projects of the Year."

First up are two crappy projects hand selected by my two fellow judges who didn't want anyone to feel that their project did not deserve the title garbage, they would like to tell these kids that they should not be allowed in the sun because their crappiness might be contagious.



By Jordan O'Reilly - 7th Grade
What the hell are bubles? The only thing more atrocious than your spelling is your is your project.

By Khadeeja Owusu-Achampong - 8th Grade
I sure hope that display board is refundable because you're not going to win with that piece of shit.

Next up are my choices for Honorable Mentions:

By Aaron Steinsaver - 6th Grade
Battle of the Battery, the title is already grammatically incorrect. The project tested whether a flashlight worked better with hot or cold batteries. Aaron had the ingenious idea to freeze and boil batteries. He then proceeded to stick them into two flashlights to see which one would run out of power first. It gets an honorable mention only because this was the stupidest idea I have ever heard. I was supposed to judge this project, but the kid didn't even bother to show up, hopefully he died from battery poisoning because little bastards who create shit like this do not have a right to live.

By Chimsomasa Ozuzu - 7th Grade
There was no reason to expect anything interesting from this girl, good genetics probably don't run in the family. However, the fact that the parents didn't even bother attempting to conceal the fact that they used a password generator to name their child is just wrong. Why title your project "The Sound of Music," when it is so obvious that this project represents "The Sound of Suck."

By Chris Agosto and Oshane Paige - 6th Grade
Coming in at third place is Atmospheric Hydrolysis, a title that the kid probably made up on the spot since I could not find it on the board. Now this sounded very sophisticated until I realized halfway through that he had absolutely no idea what hydrolysis meant, the entire project was on proving that humans can survive without an atmosphere. The colored tissue paper on the box to the right was supposed to act as an atmosphere, which he used to "filter" out the sunlight. Idiot, you just filtered out most of the nutrition plants need to go through photosynthesis, which is why the plants in that other shitty box without an “atmosphere” actually grew taller.

By Sidney Uppal - 8th Grade
Number 2 is Hovering Heaven. What exactly makes it a Hovering Heaven? Did you think that big floating toilet seat on the floor was going keep me from failing it? Wrong!

By Robbie Reid - 7th Grade
Finally, we have our top choice of shame. There were some terrible projects so far but nothing compares to this, if there was any content on this to begin with the kid must have been too poor to afford a glue stick. My fellow judge is seen here saluting this complete waste of paper, he hopes the kid gets shot. Nice job ruining society with this embarrassment kid. "Tasty?" only if you enjoy the taste of humiliation.

It pains me slightly to know that you kids are such fucking retards, for my seventh grade science fair project I discovered and proved Newton's Universal Law of Gravitation. Why can't you cretins do the same?

Congratulations to all winners of my competition. Aside from an official certificate certifying your achievement as fools, each of you will also receive a meter's worth of string (because you were not good enough for rope) in the mail. Put it to some good use and choke yourself with it, there is no room in the world for failures like you.

Foster Children Have No Futures

Thursday, March 18, 2004, The New York Times ran an article entitled "Youths Leaving Foster Care are Found Facing Obstacles," unfortunately some mistakes got pass the printer, don't worry, we are always here to help out!

On Thursday, March 18, 2004, The New York Times published an article entitled "Youths Leaving Foster Care are Found Facing Obstacles," this is the outline of what Monica Davey, the writer of this column, had to report (You find the full article here or at the New York Time's website).

A study, tracking 732 youths commissioned by the three Midwestern states for $1.2 million has found the following:

1. 17-year-olds in the Midwest are lagging behind in school


2. Running into trouble with the law


3. Struggling with psychological problems.


4. Virtually all of the 17-year-olds were held back a grade.


5. Twice as likely to have been suspended from school.


6. More than half arrested.


7. More than a third had spent a night at a correctional facility.


8. One-fifth reported convicted of a crime.


9. Nonetheless, the study says that about 90 percent of those surveyed said they were optimistic about the future.

For about $3 worth of bus fare I could've saved these morons $1.2 million. Do we really need a survey wasting, trees, water, energy, lead, and time just to find out that foster children are more stupid than that old neighbour of mine who claims that his dead dog, decomposing outside his yard for the last year, is only "sleeping?" What else can you expect from stupid little bastards who lives with nuns and other stupid little bastards all their lives? The only fact that surprised me was the last who would've guessed that foster children would be so excited about their futures? Why stick in a line in reassuring everyone that 90% of the foster children are optimistic about the future? This is so great! These uneducated probably at some point incarcerated children are optimistic about their future!

Now, I'm not exactly sure if the gullible citizens out there today, stupid enough to categorize obesity as a disease, realize that these foster kids have no future. I wonder if anyone truly understands that most of them won't get into college, most of them won't get a job, most of them will be the people who, ten years from now will mug you on a dark ally. How's prostitution sound? Who knows? Maybe someday one of them will become pregnant, gods forbid, and...oh look! Out comes another foster child, don't worry; I'm sure it'll be optimistic about its future as well.

I wonder if they'll still be optimistic about the future once they become janitors at their local high schools, or flipping burgers at McDonalds, perhaps yelling "Price-Check!" at the drug store, but hey, work hard enough, someday you just might become Head Janitor of McDonalds how's that for optimism.

What the hell did they accomplish with this $1.2 million survey anyway? Why not just spilt that $1.2 million, you can provide the same 732 youths with $1639.34 each. They might appreciate that more than the day they turn 21 when they come home at 11:00pm to find another survey waiting for them, but it shouldn't take too long to fill out, all they really have to do is send that same blank sheet back.

A doctor...one of the many professions foster children will never become

Playing Chess Will Turn You Queer

There is nothing "royal" about promoting cross-dressing


Just let the queers marry already or at least have the balls to come out and tell everyone yoru plans for a mass gay-genocide. I'm tired of hearing stupid politicians bitch about the subject. Here's something interesting though, chess, the "royal game" supports our queer friends.

I am sick of hearing politicians bitch about homosexuals all day, either let them marry or kill them all, it's as simple as that. I am also sick of straight guys pretending they are gay, like Eric McCormick on Will and Grace. What is so interesting about the life of a gay man and his gay friends? One day I am going to stop watching that show.

As much as gays intimidate many of us, they are just regular people, aside from the fact that they are gay. However, gays have a very profound influence on every aspect of life, even in the game of chess. I play chess, go to rated tournaments and recently got beat pretty beat by a girl of maybe 17 or 18, who kept flashing her breasts at me the entire time, afterwards she shows me that any move I make leads to mate, this got me pretty pissed so I karate chopped that stupid bitch. Anyway, I lost a lot of interest in the game after I beat a master, bad idea, now I have to live with the thought that I lost to a whore.

Chess is probably more gay then Twister™. Just those stupid little pawns lined up in a row in front of all those pieces, I bet they are holding hands and getting ass-raped by the guys in the back. The way they move is even more disturbing, the stupid little shits move forward but kills diagonally, line them up properly and you have your own gay triangle. Once the bitches reaches the last file they are promoted, and here's the proof that every chess player is gay, they always promote to queen, which used to be called an advisor until some fag thought that a woman on the battlefield is much more realistic. Of course, they always had the choice to promote to a rook, knight, bishop, but everyone chose to go the transsexual way. What is this? Why are pawns able to go both ways? Are they some sort of aborted fetus from teen pregnancy?

In New York City last week, some guy came up to me, gives me a Nazi heil, then says "Hey there sailor!" What does that even mean? I did not know either, so I did the safe thing and sent my Red Guards after him, asshole, heil my communist buddies bitch!

I think it looks better this way

In the Beginning...

Last week I was hoping to get a pricing on a new Cross® Pen I own, but Google's servers were down, so I did my search on this engine called "Dogpile" instead. Bad choice, after typing in Cross I a site came up with the title "Cross Pen..." I clicked it and was attacked with porn ads all over my screen. Out of spite I created this site, if the porn industry can litter the web with with their shitty whores, then I can litter it with communism.

Websites dedicated to education, business, but mostly for porn clutters the Internet of today. Few of them gives us what we need the most, laughter. Contrary to the name, the People's Perception does not actually promote communism, but rather the people. It is a site dedicated to the People, to their views, which will probably only be mine The Commie.

The United States a democratic country, the best in the world, why write a communist newspaper? Is not this the "Land of the Free," the "World of Opportunity," and a nation "for the people by the people, where there is justice for all?" Well the Commie is here to tell you...yes…if you ignore the racism, the poverty-stricken areas, the censorship, and I am not talking about porn.


Besides, has anyone realize how expensive it is to keep a democracy that does nothing but chases down eight-year-old girls who share Britney Spears albums over P2P Networks while the rapists and murderers go free?


What is this bullshit with the delay on Death Road anyway? What a waste of valuable time and money, prisoners don’t deserve whatever they want for their last meal just give them some bubblegum to chew on. What a complete waste of the righteous tax-payers money, there was a college student in China who killed four or five guys about a month back and a month later he was sentenced to death, he’ll be gone in a week, that’s how things should be done, one judge, one death sentence, none of this jury crap.


Actually, a democracy is really communism, except with disadvantages, just look at the following chart.

China (Communist)
Red flag with stars
One leader elected by congress
A central government
Government makes decisions
Rumored to have secret police
High diversity
Citizens pay low or no tax

Lots of corruption

The United States (Democracy?)
Red flag with stars
One leader elected by "Electoral College"
A central government
Government makes decisions
Proved to have FBI, CIA
Medium diversity, with high racism
State Tax, Federal Tax, Income Tax, Property Tax…

Lots of corruption

Democracy is just like communism, your freedom? What freedom? Go and print out some bumper stickers that say "Uncle Sam’s Bitch" and stick that to your car. You will get nowhere in life failure, because for you, the common man, the only head you will ever be is Head Janitor.

President Bush likes my wonderful flag